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starrhkc

I am drained... what grief [sometimes] feels like.

Updated: Dec 11, 2023



In October of 2019, I started a blog as part of my therapeutic process. My intention was to focus on working with grief, not against it. With the hope of healing from the loss of my mother through comtemplation of the dharma and working through our complicated, yet loving relationship - alone (or so I thought).


Allowing all the feelings to be present and building my very first website, at the same time, broke open a deep well of fear. The depths of which I had been too terrified to test. I bathed in, drank from, and often felt like I was drowning in that well daily. Confused at its depth and frustrated its level never seemed to change. In Its surface, a reflection. Me. Realizing the source, my own unrelenting thoughts, its wellspring.


Slowly, as words were revealed and pages were designed (and redesigned) to the point of exhaustion, the lesson became undeniable. I had to tap into that well. If no one ever drank from it, I would. If no one understood how much courage it took to hush those fearful thoughts long enough to hit PUBLISH, I understood. And that, had to be enough.


Four years later, I am mindful of changes to the level of my well. When I feel drained, I touch my cup to the surface and watch the ripples dance knowing the well is deep and cool and there is always enough to quench my thirst.

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