I have a confession to make. I find it challenging to listen when emotions run high. Oh, I purport myself to be a good listener, yet reality is I often fail. It is not for lack of trying. My friends would likely agree. It's that my ego decides to steal the leading role.
"... once again life has taught me that my role is to be a witness, not the leading actor."
- Carlos Ruiz Zafón
Growing up, I learned to self- soothe, and internalize my struggles. I became the witness to my own pain, yet desperately wanted to share it with others. Often remaining silent until someone offered up their own slice of painful pie to which I would glady hold out my plate. Revealing the vulnerabilities in my experience in an attempt to connect. It took a long time for me to understand the difference between sympathy and compassion.
What I realized I had been doing was distracting us both from the pain by sharing details of my own experience as a feeble attempt to convince them they were not alone. What I missed by not listening was their quiet need to simply be heard, and feel they belonged despite whatever unpleasant feeling they experienced.
Realization arrived after I attended a women's group for the first time. We were asked to reflect on an element from the Buddha's The Eightfold Path. The topic was Wise Speech, and compassion. I began to investigate whether I practiced thinking before I spoke. I do. My filter is turned WAY up especially when I am surrounded by strangers...often to my detriment. However, around people I am comfortable with, the knob gets turned WAY down. And I can be guilty of unsolicited advice disguised as over-sharing. I had come to believe my "filter" was my way of practicing wise speech, and to some degree, acknowledging it is an element of mindfulness but listening is the key to unlocking the role compassion must play in our lives.
Compassion is defined as understanding. When we allow unpleasantness to appear and belong in the spaces we share with one another we give our egos a break from being whatever we think the other person needs from us. Listening compassionately enables each of us to hear our own cue to speak wisely from our hearts.
This lesson gave me permission to put away my script, and quietly take my seat as the house lights dim.
*This was my very first Blog post published in 2019 on my previous site. With a few tweaks, I'm glad it's found a second home.
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